Most Funny Jokes Ever

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  A husband came home and found his wife in bed with a stranger. He was furious and wanted to leave at once. The wife pleaded, give me a moment to explain.
  
  
       This man came to my door an hour ago and asked for something to eat. I gave him a sandwich. I noticed that his shoes were worn out, so I looked in your closet and found a pair that you haven't had on your feet for three years, and I gave him the shoes to put on.
  
  
       Then I saw that his jacket was very torn, so I went back to your closet and found a jacket that you haven't worn for six years.
       When he took his old jacket off to put on, I saw that his shirt was falling to pieces, so I opened your bureau drawer and gave him a shirt that you haven't worn for the past ten years.
  
  
       Then as this man was going out of the door he turned and asked..."
  
  
       The man asked the lady.. "Is there anything else around here that your husband doesn't use?"
  
  
• "Mama," asked a 7-year-old boy, "what does transatlantic mean?"
  
  
      "Across the Atlantic, of course," replied his mother, "Trans always means 'across'."
  
  
       Then the boy continued..."Then I suppose," continued the boy, "transparent means a cross parent."
  
  
• Afraid of their parents' disapproval, the boy and girl in love decided to elope. The date and time were fixed for the elopement. At the appointment time the boy climbed the ladder and tapped on her window. She opened the window softly.
  
  
      "Are you ready?" He asked rather loudly.
      "Sssssh! Not so loud!" she whispered. "I'm so afraid father will catch us."
  
  
      "That's alright," said the boy. "He's down below holding the ladder."
  
  
• In a crowded bus, a shabbily dressed little boy had taken a seat by the side of the lady who had an ugly look and haughty temperament but was very well dressed. They boy had severe cold and was sniffing all the way, which was very annoying to the lady. Finally, she could not tolerate any more and turned to the boy and asked.. "Have you got a handkerchief?"
  
  
       The boy answered.. "Yes, but I don't lend it to strangers."
  
  
• The great Canadian Sir William Osler was lecturing on alcohol one day.
  
  
       "Is it true," asked the student, "that alcohol makes people do things better?"
  
  
       "No," replied Sir William. "It just makes them less ashamed of doing them badly."
  
  
• A surgeon was taking a walk with his wife when a young and lively woman greeted him gaily. The doctor's wife eyed him narrowly.
  
  
       "Where," she asked, "did you meet that person, my dear?"
       "Just a young woman," said the doctor, "I met her professionally."
  
  
       "I see," murmured his wife and then asked him politely..
       "Yours or hers?"
  
  
• A woman and her baby were trapped in a fire. A fireman saw them standing at the window and cried.. "Throw your baby down I'll catch him. I'm the firemen's football team goalkeeper and I haven't let a ball past me in ten years."
  
  
       The woman threw her baby down and sure enough the fireman caught him.
  
  
       He caught the baby, bounced him on the ground and kicked him over the street.
  
  
• Salesman to proprietor.. "A man is demanding poison for $5 to terminate his life. What should I do?"
  
  
       The proprietor advised him.. "Tell him that it would cost $500 and that fellow will go away."
  
  
• A middle-aged woman was bitten by a mad dog. She was hospitalised. The doctors lost hope for her and they were quite sure she would succumb to hydrophobia. One of the doctors informed her.
  
  
       "You can write your last wish and will," the doctor said.
  
  
       "Well, I want to write the names of those whom I am going to bite," she replied.
  
  
• A young woman in a tight-fitting skirt attempted to board the bus. Conscious that the tightness of the skirt made it impossible for her to life her leg to the level of the first step of the bus, she reached behind hurriedly and adjusted the zip to loosen it, but it remained too tight. She reached back and adjusted the zip again, but to no avail. The queue of commuters behind her became restless as she tried to adjust her zip again without success.
  
  
       Suddenly a man standing behind her took her by the hips and lifted her bodily into the bus. She turned on him and screamed.. "How dare you be so familiar with me!"
  
  
       "That's strange coming from you," he replied. "You've just unzipped my fly three times!"